why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
