I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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