I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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