turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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