it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
