My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
