I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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