yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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