I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
