Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
