it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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