i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
