i can't believe i had my finger in that
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
