I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
