they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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