Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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