So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
