Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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