Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
