Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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