I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
What did we do last night that was yellow?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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