Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize