I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
my poor anus
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
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