The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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