I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
