isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
