im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
