My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
