I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
