You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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