someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
