It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize