Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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