What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
