either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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