Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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