we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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