Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
