Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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