so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
