I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
