he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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