U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
