Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Come back. Shots need mouths.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
