I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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