well I can't set my house on fire every night
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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