it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
