tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Holy shit dude........stairs
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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