OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just google imaged poop.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
