There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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