The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
