Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
