Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
