My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
