when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
