You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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