Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
