I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
